Struggles: Divorce

This is a very touchy and hard discussion so please listen carefully, and look to God for the right answer and direction. As I was seeking God for direction with my marriage, I was wanting some answer to just pop out at me and that I would know with out doubt that this was what God said I could or couldn’t do. I was not looking for a divorce but help, but as my marriage went on year after year, it didn’t get better. I thought that if I could change who I was in certain ways that it would make him love me and be happy with me, so I did everything I could do to try and make my marriage work, I tried loosing weight, making sure I was always dressed nice, wearing makeup, cleaning the house extra good, and so on, but it never seemed to make anything better, my husbands anger never became less but more abusive. I prayed all the time but was never really specific, never put too much into it. I made a promise to God and to my husband and to myself that I would stick through it all (thick and thin)! So I thought if I could just figure out what was wrong I would fix it and make it all better and he would love me and care about me. However, I never could pin point the problem nor could I make our marriage better and without abusive!
One spring I was headed to go to my grandfathers wedding with just my children. On our way I hit and ran over an antelope. I did no damage to the pickup, but I called my husband at the time, and let him know, and his response was, “why don’t you just go drive it off a cliff since you don’t care what happens to it“. I was in tears most of the trip. I just couldn’t figure out why he would talk to me that way, why didn’t he care about our safety? When I got to my grandpa’s house, I shoved my feelings to the side and was trying to be happy. I thought I was doing a good job.
My grandpa always asks, so how is your relationship with God today? And instead of asking how I was he grabbed me and gave me a hug and asked me, “How are you and God doing today“?  I answered saying I think it is good grandpa. Well that was the wrong answer!
Looking back at it, I agree. You see you should never think it is good, you should know. Are you right with God today? Are you on track with what God has for you today?
I couldn’t answer that, and that is when I decided I needed help either with my husband or without but either way! I was loosing myself trying everything I could to save my marriage or to save myself. My grandpa said I needed to make my relationship right with God, and when I put God first He will help me with my marriage, and in turn will help me!
When I got back home from Nebraska I sat down and looked for a good Christian counselor! I ended up with two. They were the greatest!
I was going to counseling for 6 months and things at home just were not getting better, I had lost all hope.  One day I told my counselors, that I can’t do it no more, I’m tired of trying, why cant I just get a divorce. One of them had asked me, “how do you feel about that?” All I could do was cry, I didn’t want a divorce because I didn’t want to break a promise to God that I would stick through my marriage thru thick and thin. Believe me the garbage was thick, but our love was thinner then plastic wrap! I not only made a promise to God, but I also made that promise to my husband and I! I was scared of hurting God or my children, not so much my husband or I. So yes,  I was also scared about what God had put into His Bible, saying that He God, hates divorce. Which is true, states that in Malachi 2:16. I didn’t want God to be mad at me, because I divorced an  unbelieving husband. I don’t want God to punish me because I failed, or so I thought, and was punishing myself enough. Then my counselor asked me, “What does divorce mean to you“? My answer was simple. When two people who are married no longer love each other or no longer want to be married go before a judge and ask him to divorce you. He went on to say, “well God says this is what divorce is, “when you no longer love your spouse, you no longer emotionally or physically care about your spouse, that doesn’t mean papers are involved, God is talking about love and how you are showing love to your spouse. So Hillary, how are you loving your husband?” I said, well I really am trying too love him thru God, God says to love even when it is hard, I’m just tired of trying and getting nothing in return so I feel I’m with him because of the kids, and because I don’t want God upset with me. I really don’t think I really love him, I’m not sure if I really ever did.  He then asked me, “how is your husband loving you“? He doesn’t, he tells me that everyday. He has showed it to me since the beginning. He never really shows it. So according to God, your husband left you way back in the beginning after you were legally married, in Gods eyes you are already divorced, your husband has already divorced you emotionally because he does not care or love you the way that God has asked of him to love his you. You just don’t have papers to prove it in our laws. He emotionally divorced you long ago. In the bible God states in 1 Corinthians 7:15, If the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace. Now with this it is not to be used as an excuse or a loop hole for escape but since your husband is not wanting to love you the way God has called you to be loved, and does not seek or desire to fix it in any way, you are emotionally divorced“.  When my counselor explained this to me I cried and honestly almost shouted with joy! I was so excited that God gave me the answer I wanted. It was plain as day, but I still thought ok God so you gave me the answer I wanted, but now how am I going to do this? I am a stay at home mom and have two kids I need to take care of, how am I going to do this without my husband finding out until I know we are in a safe place?
That night was bible study and we were studying dreams and how God speaks to us through them and if we take the time to keep track by journaling of what we dream that we could understand them better, and hear what God has for us through them (all dreams are not visions or words from God) and then apart of that study is also journaling through prayer time, keeping track of things being said. So anyways, we each had our journal and went off for our time in prayer. I chose the greeter chair, that was downstairs, because I wanted to feel like I was laying my head in Gods lap, I wanted to hear and feel God in it all. It is amazing to feel the reassurance of God everyday, but that night was like no other!
I didn’t go back to bible study, they left me there the rest of the time but that is what I needed, I needed to soak up Gods love that night!
The next night, my husband was headed out for work being an over the road truck driver, he  was usually gone for a week to two weeks. So I committed myself for the next 2 weeks to seek God with all I had and pray for my husband and I because I didn’t want to do anything without God saying yes or no, I wanted His direction, His will, because not only am I going to change my life but my kids, and other family members if I went through a divorce. So that is what I did.  Night after night God showed me little by little. Things that I needed to do, things I needed to pray for, and reassurance that God is in control. I didn’t read through my journal the whole time I just wrote. The week he was coming back was the week of Christmas, and my mom had come to visit 3 days before Christmas Eve and was leaving Christmas Eve, so we were just meeting up at my grandparents house, which was an hour away. Christmas eve my husband came back home he stopped at my grandparents house but was not in a good mood, and didn’t want to talk about it, so I continued enjoying our Christmas! We ate and then he left and I stayed a few more hours. When I got home he started in on me about some stuff. Which was normal so I started putting the kids to bed, washing his clothes and cooking him something to eat. I then went and got blankets for him since he slept on the couch.  Instead of fighting with him, I grabbed my bible and my journal and went and crawled in bed, I couldn’t seem to read the bible I couldn’t stop crying, but God kept pushing me to read my journal from the last couple weeks. So I collected myself as much as I could and I read. It was amazing, through all the stuff I jotted down, God kept reminding me in my notes that He wanted me to be unconditionally loved, my husband didn’t know how to show that kind of love. It also had in there that things will be ok that no matter the situation that arises that God would always love me and take care of me and my children, that He wanted to minister to me but He needed my undivided attention. It is going to be ok as long as I lean on Him through it all.
In these journals God made it clear every time, that I needed to step out of this relationship, that I needed to let God be my guide and I needed to follow his directions, even though it didn’t look good through my human eyes but that through Gods eyes He was going to guide me and love me UNCONDITIONALLY! God was not going to leave nor forsake me in anyway!!!
Christmas day we were suppose to go to his parents house, I woke the kids up to do Christmas gifts and then tried waking him up, he said to let him sleep so after the gifts I got the kids ready to go to his parents, and then tried waking him up again, and he wouldn’t after another half hour I tried again, said we need to be there in an hour so that gave him at least 30 min to get ready. He jumped off the couch and started throwing things and being mad at me for not waking him up sooner and then eventually he just stopped and left without us. He didn’t come back for 3 days. When he got back he got his clothes and packed his truck and left. During that time I packed the kids and my stuff and left. That was actually the easiest moment of it all. I knew that God gave me an open door and I had taken every step possible in making sure it was the direction God had given me, I never took one step forward without okaying it with God, and in return He made it the most peaceful time in my whole marriage! He opened the door and we walked through it together!
I am not trying to tell you my story for any sympathy at all. I am sharing it because through it all, I learned that making any move or no move without God will only create a disaster, and even though my marriage was rough, if God wanted me to stay there I would have, because that is what He would of called of me to do. However, God did not ask that of me. So even though my marriage ended in a “paper” divorce does not mean that is what is right or wrong of your marriage.
I want you to know God doesn’t allow us to experience challenges to watch us suffer for his enjoyment! He allows us these trials in life so that we reach out to Him. God desires a close relationship with you!! You know God doesn’t have to have these quiet times with you, He already knows everything that’s going on in your life and in your mind, but God does not eves drop! He desires YOU and a RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU!  That means He wants to spend time with you because He Loves You! He wants you to bring your joys, concerns, fears, and tears to Him! God asks us to come to Him, to spend time with Him. He opened that door when he allowed His son to be crucified. He opened that gate for us to have a relationship! It’s like your kids, spouse, or friends, if we didn’t visit them or talk to them you would have no relationship. God does not want that with you, because God loves you and desires to be a part of your life! One of the verses that speaks a lot of power is one of the most popular children’s Sunday school lesson , John 3:16, “That God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. This scripture is not just talking about agreeing that Jesus died on the cross, but to believe and trust that God loves us so much that He gave someone so precious to Him, His son, to the world to destroy, to turn around and save you from hell! To give you that gateway to God! Jesus opened that door for you with the blood in his body, because he knows how precious you are and how much God loves you!
If you have faced or in the process of a divorce, know that God does not agree with divorce, but that he doesn’t disown you because of it! He loves you and forgives you as long as you ask him to forgive you. We are human and in so make choices whether good, bad or indifferent. Remember to always put God first in this process as you should do in all things, but let God guide you through this so that you are going down the right path. Divorce is not something to mess around with. If you allow God, He will guide you every step of the way, but you need to open your gate and allow Him to be a part of it every step of the way! You don’t want to do something and then regret it later!


2 thoughts on “Struggles: Divorce

  1. John Mariani says:

    Wow … talk about sharing … guess You truly have peace about this .


  2. sweet1s says:

    Yes, I did share a lot. For me, it helps to see someone elses struggles to sometimes see my own. So I felt that is what I needed to do. I do have peace with how God worked. I don’t agree with divorce, and if it be Gods will that I remarry, I pray for a partner that will be for life! I never wanted to have a divorce. I grew up with my parents divorced, and i knew the struggles as a child and I didn’t want to go through it as an adult. But yes without doubt I know that I took every step i was suppose to. You know, people sometimes say that God would never allow for divorce to happen, and think that I am wrong and went with my own feelings. I guess to there loss they don’t know who God is or what God has said. And in this I pray that I did the right thing and showed God through this. Thanks for your input John, I appreciate it very much!


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