Well to start off I will put my testimony here!
I grew up in church, and I am very thankful that my parents took me to church every time the doors opened. I wasn’t always thankful for that though. My parents divorced when I was 8 yrs old. My mom remarried, we moved to another state, and we moved around town every couple years, which meant change of schools, change of churches, and change of friends. Things weren’t easy for me when we moved. At one of the schools, I tried making friends, it just wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t “fit in”! Around that same time, my parents changed churches and this church was no ordinary church, it was quite large, and me well already having a hard time making friends, I just hid there too! With all those changes I became angry towards my parents and life. My whole world once again got turned upside down. I already missed my dad but it became stronger in my life and with that I started growing angry with my parents and God about the changes going on in my life and I just knew that my Dad would take care of it all for me and make it all better. I blamed everything on my mom, and from there, is when I let Satan have hold of my life.
At that point, I was starting fresh, a new school, new kids, and hey I didn’t care! So, I decided to do what i wanted, it was around 9th grade I decided to get involved more with people in gangs and of course trouble. I had other friends also, but I felt protected and wanted or should I say, “they accepted me for who I was“. They didn’t try and change me. They became my closes thing to what we called family! If I needed something they were there, and I was there if they needed anything. With this new family, I started getting into fights at school, and getting detentions, taking off from home and school and not caring what my parents thought. With that, my parents couldn’t control who I was becoming and the last choice my mom wanted for me was to send me away, as I know it would break her heart. But she did what she felt was best for me. So she moved me to go live with my dad and his new wife. I got what I wanted, but it didn’t make a difference. Once again, I was angry at my mom for giving up on me, like she did with my dad, or so I thought!
The first couple of weeks I was there I ran away, I started skipping school! My dad was not going to deal with that and so he put me on a program called CHINS, child in need of supervision, I was put on probation, and also put into counseling. I was apart of that for 2 years. My dad never really attended church, except on Holidays, so I didn’t have to face what I was angry about. I just added whatever I wanted to it, to make everyone else miserable!
Through all this, I didn’t really grow up, I never really drank or did drugs, never interested me, and peer pressure was never really a big thing for me. If I didn’t want to try it I didn’t, and I stuck to my guns. I was still angry, I had no problem doing what I wanted, I loved fighting and did so or whatever I so decided. My dad was a little more lenient, with the fighting, he said, “that if you are sticking up for what is right or for yourself, then by all means do so, you have every right to defend your self or others that are being bullied, but if I catch you starting the fights, it will be your butt that feels the beating“. So I learned not to start them, but I had plenty of opportunity to defend, so to say! Well I eventually grew out of that stage. My last year of school, I ended up pregnant and at that time schools would not allow you to attend if you where pregnant, so I had to drop out. I also was working and couldn’t work around that schedule to attend alternative schools. The father of my son and I decided to get married for the baby, and so my life began as a wife, and mother and here I was still a child myself.
I didn’t have a great relationship with either of my parents as I felt hurt by choices my mom had made and I had to live with, and my dad for the simple fact that I took off, and got pregnant and he didn’t seem too involved with my life any more. I disappointed him and didn’t want to face that look in his eyes. Well being married, we lived in our little home out in the middle of Gods country, 100s of miles away from anyone I knew. I didn’t have friends where I was living, so it was just me and my new husband, a baby on the way and cattle!
It finally came to me that I needed my mom, I was going to be a mom and had no clue how to do it, and she was the only one I knew that would help me, as I was soon to learn first hand! So I pushed aside everything that was between us and leaned on her for a lot of support and comfort!
Parenting came pretty easy in a lot of ways for me, but marriage was hard. All I learned was from watching my parents, and I thought that would be sufficient, they both had good marriages. I saw how they worked through things I saw there joys and saw some of the difficulties they faced and how they got through them, but for some reason it didn’t work for me. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong, I didn’t know how to fix the problems, that my husband made clear I needed to fix.
My mom would talk to me about God and how He wanted to help me and how Jesus wanted to be my friend and if I just went to Him I would find comfort and peace and He would help me through these times.
I didn’t think God could fix anything, all He did was destroy things that were good to me as a young child. So I was leery of what God could do!
One day, I was headed to town to take my son to a Dr. appt. and that day they were grading the road, which is to smooth the gravel out to make it nicer for driving. On my way the tire on my blazer, caught a pile of gravel and took me to the ditch. I corrected too much and flipped the blazer that my son and I were in, and that is when God became very clear to me and that I needed Him. My son walked away without a scratch on his body and me well lets say they were not life threatening marks, something that needed medical attention but nothing too serious. But for whatever reason, God used that to open my eyes that He is here and has never left me and will help me in all ways not to harm me or to destroy what is good, but to love me and comfort me. That is when God opened my eyes to so much, and I knew then that I couldn’t live without Gods hand walking me along the way, or His lap to lay my head into when all I could do is cry. God Loves us all so much and we need to realize that God is our Abba Father(Aramaic word which means daddy or papa). I leaned on God as my father, and I trusted Him beyond my own imagination, but I never really came to the realization of how I need to depend on Him for everything. God started making it very clear that I needed to learn that I need to depend on Him for everything and not look to myself to fix or take care of anything that happened, big or small! God started making it clearer when I wanted out of my marriage, and in how I came to the conclusion that it was ok that I can leave my husband. That is something that is in another ball field, and I will eventually get there but in all honesty this is when I learned to lean on God for guidance and reassurance that my kids and I would be okay. I mean I was a stay at home mom, hadn’t been in a work place for over 10 years, so yes I was scared to death that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own. I soon came to realize that I cant make it on my own, but with God, all things are possible, Luke 18:27. It is amazing to just be able to see God at work, providing for my kids and me. It is silly of me now when I face a struggle to always go to, “oh no what am I going to do”, attitude. But I do and I love how God gently reminds me, “have I left you yet, have I not always made sure you would be ok“?
There are many situations not just financially, but emotionally, mentally, and physically that I need to be reminded of this. God hasn’t left and never will because He has promised to always be there, Hebrews 13:5, states, “don’t love money, be satisfied with what you have, for God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you,” Jesus also teaches us about God caring for us and how we need to stop worrying He states it in Matthew 6:25-34, “if I feed and care for the birds don’t you think ill feed and care for you! So, why do we as humans always go to that mind set of, “where is God now“, or “why is this happening to me“, “what am I going to do about this?” It becomes like a security blanket in our mind of worry, panic, frustration, pity, and our biggest pride! Well I want to walk through some of life’s struggles with you and some that I have faced and maybe help you to come to a state of peace that its not just you here, but God too! God has already promised that He is here with you, Deuteronomy 31:6, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”! So as I open my heart in sharing please open yours to what God has planned for you to hear and learn! Listen to the promises that God gives us all thru His word, God is not the enemy here, He has done nothing but love us from the beginning! In Psalms 139 and Jeremiah 1:5, God knew us before we were even conceived and then He knitted us together in our mothers womb. God Loves us so much that it states in, Matthew 10:30, The very number of hairs on your head are all numbered. Does that give you a hint of Gods love? Maybe just a little! Well maybe think on this if you have children, you might understand this, now I love my children very much there is nothing that I would do that would harm them. Instead I want to show my love for them, and I know that they understand that I love them very much, but I do not know how many hairs are on my children’s heads, there is no way that I can do that, but God does! My love for my children is very much there, but it is not even close to how much God loves them. We need to trust God with knowing that He knows what is best for us even when there seems to be no light in any direction! Through our struggles we learn a lot. We learn to depend on God, the one who can get us through it all, no matter the outcome, God will get us through! It is hard to go through our struggles and to understand, but God is not asking us to understand but to trust Him. Our struggles are sometimes exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our lives without any struggle, we would be crippled. We wouldn’t need God, because everything would be good! So look at struggles as an opportunity to grow in your relationship and in your trust with God! Leave no room for regret here, but face them head on with your hand in God’s! So together lets take a look at these different struggles that we all might face some how or some time in our lives, and challenge ourselves to face them head on with our trust in God!
Please feel free to give your testimony and/or struggles you are facing, or any other comments you would like to put, and thank you for joining me!